The question I get asked most often by people back home is what it's like living and working as a female in an Arab and Muslim country. And frankly, my answer is that it's pretty much the same, with the exception that I wear slightly longer skirts and cover my shoulders. Sure, sometimes I have to work a little harder to get the same respect as a similarly situated male colleague, but that's no different from my experiences in the US.
Most people are shocked by this answer and the next follow up question is usually something like, "But aren't women really second-class citizens over there?" (Not to mention that any time there's violence perpetrated anywhere in the world by an Islamic terrorist that my Facebook feed is rife with commentary on how horribly women are treated in this region.) As I find myself explaining over and over again how American media incorrectly portrays life in the Middle East, or as I try to explain the differences in culture, or describe how many women choose to wear an abaya/hijab, I feel a bit like an Arab apologist.
That's the phrase we used for our Middle Eastern History professors in college who were Westerners teaching about the Middle East and yet constantly trying to apologize for the Western misperception of Islam/Arabs. My Arab or Muslim professors tended not to apologize - they just stated facts and, if a debate started about the morality of a topic, the professors just shrugged it off as Americans' inability to understand other cultures. When we called professors Arab apologists, though, it wasn't a compliment. But I understand it now - to study or experience or understand a foreign culture, yet never truly be a part of it, can wind up alienating you from both cultures, as you're always trying to explain or defend one culture to the other.
So when I talk to Westerners about life in the Middle East, I wind up saying "Yes, but..." a lot and qualifying my statements.
- "Yes, some women are forced by their husbands to cover their faces, but they are the minority, except maybe in places like Yemen, Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan."
- "Yes, some women are still put to death for adultery, but that very rarely happens, except maybe in places like Yemen, Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan (and besides, how many women are killed in the US each year through domestic violence?)."
- "Yes, some girls are married off at very young ages to older men, but that really only happens in places like Yemen or Afghanistan."
- "Yes, divorce and child custody over here might favor the man more than the woman, but you have to understand that the culture is different. Divorce rates are much lower, not because women can't divorce, but because people marry for different reasons. Rather than marrying for "true love", people marry for a spouse that can support them, or that can provide them with children, or for companionship. Their expectations for their partner are lower (and clearer), so divorce rates are naturally lower."
And so I feel like an apologist, constantly trying to explain and justify my host country's culture. I also find myself getting offended on behalf of Arabs/Muslims when I hear Westerners say ignorant and misguided things about a culture that they have never witnessed or experienced. (Oh, and it goes both ways - my Arab colleagues think I'm constantly trying to defend American culture or politics, or diffuse claims that everything wrong with the world is somehow an American conspiracy). But as much as I might be branded an apologist, I also think that the only way Westerners are likely to change their perception of Arabs is by hearing it from a Western female. If an Arab woman told you that she wore the abayajab out of personal preference and that she did not feel like a second class citizen, would you believe her? Or would you instantly start coming up with counterarguments in your head, like she's only saying that because that's what she's been brainwashed with?
So I'll keep apologizing (for both cultures). Because I'm so lucky to get a glimpse into a culture so foreign to Americans and because there's a chance that when an American hears me say that my gender isn't an impediment to my success here, that maybe some of you will start to believe me.
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